The Death Of My Angel
by rachie1277
Summary: He blames himself for her death just like Julia. Will Eli ever get over her or will he have to cope with the memories and pictures of them together? but something strange happens or is he just going crazy?sequel to 'Death Of An Angel' full summery inside.
1. Chapter 1

_Chapter One - say hello to goodbye, again_

*** okay, so this is the sequel to Death of an Angel. In which I hope you enjoyed. So if you thought the last one was depressing, this might just be even more so CAUTION. Lol. Anyways no haters please and read and review* (read Rachellovesyou6 stories, there awe-struck) ;1**

**I don't own Degrassi, even though I wish I did, but I do own a stuffed animal that's a monkey-by the way, his name is monkey- I got him when i was 3 so don't judge me :3**

Name- Clare D. Edwards

Gender- Female

Date Of Birth- June 15, 1995

Height/Weight- 5'3~ 127

Eye Color-Blue

Hair Color- Reddish, Brown, or Auburn

Cause of Death- Over dose of drugs and alcohol

_**Full**_** Summery-**

**He loved her with all his heart, and before he knew it, she was gone before his eyes. Clare is dead, because of him-so he thinks. He blames himself for her death, just like Julia. Will Eli ever get over her? Or will he have to cope with the memories and pictures of them together? But something very strange happens, or is he just going crazy? -sequel to 'Death of an Angel' **

I did it again, the love of my life, gone. The person I loved the most taken from me. Devastated, heartbroken, completely and utterly lost without her. Without her, I'm just a shell of a body, a body that once had a soul that was alive and full of spirit, now wasting away. She was the sun, my sun. The one who lighted up my darkest cave. The one I cared about the most. Who I let slip away. Who I want back. Who I loved. Who I still love. Who I _never_ stopped loving.

This is why I promised to never love again. I keep losing the things that matter to me most. The ones I love. The ones that changed my life for good, and for bad. Who turned my world upside down in the best way possible. And I ruined it, again. I can never love again, it's just not possible for me, never. I herby vow to never love again, because every time I do. There gone before I even have the chance to say bye. I still want her. I still _need_ her. I still love her.

God I miss her. I miss Clare, my Clare. I miss calling her mine, her sweet taste, her soft, gentle touch, the sweet aroma of her favorite perfume. The way she stood out from the rest. The way her smile could brighten up even my darkest days. The way her blue eyes could shine even through the darkest night. The way her soft, curly, auburn hair was like the best thing in the world. I missed that. I missed her. I still do.

It's only been two weeks after Clare's death. She died of over dose of drugs and alcohol. Why she did it? Depression, depression because of me. I put to much pressure on her. I put to much stress on her. I put to many worries on her shoulders just to keep her close, but how did that work out for us? We break up; I go crazy and crash Morty, but I'm the one who lives. It should had been me. I should have died that night. Sure Clare would be upset, but not for a long time, I just know. She'd realize how much pressure, stress, and worry I put on her. She'd then realize she never needed me, or even wanted me. I just know. Clare died, because of me, it's not like I've never done it before.

Ever since her death I've been locked up in my room. Crying when I though of her. Sleeping-if I could- to bring back memories, but they always seem to turn bad, every dream was like… Like a beautiful nightmare, only because when I wake up, she'd still be gone. She is out of my life forever, and I would do anything, _anything_ in the world to get her back. I'd pay the Devil my _soul_ if I had to. But I can't.

The last time I left my room was just about a week and a half ago, a few days after Clare's death, but only to go to her funeral-in which I was crying the whole time. Everyday seems to get worse and worse without her. I haven't slept nor ate in days, and I'm surprised if there are even anymore tears I could cry, but there always are, there always will be.

Clare was my other half, the one who completed me, who made me, me. I hate having that part of my heart ripped out of my chest. It is safe to say I can't live without Clare. All I have to keep me alive right now are memories of us. Of her.

When Julia died, I didn't think I could go on with my life, I thought I would never be the real me again. But when I met Clare, she brought almost all of me back. She changed me in new and great ways. That's what I loved about her, but there was much more to love than that. She was so much more than just another pretty face. But when Clare went, I knew it was over. I am done. I can't do this anymore. I can't take it.

Suicide. Such a disgusting word. It even tastes foul in the mouth, especially when you've thought about doing it. But I know killing myself isn't an option. That's just the easy way out, and I could never do that.

All the teachers and students know that Clare died. It was a huge shocker to everyone. At school she was so nice to everyone, grades were good, perfect attendance, and there was always a smile on her face, even when she herself was having a bad day. She made everyone happy. Especially me. Just to see her once a day made me the happiest man alive, but now, I don't feel much like a man. I feel like a loser, an idiot, a selfish jerk who was searching for something more than I needed, I know that now. All I needed was Clare. I need her more now then ever.

When Fitz came back, and Julia's death date came around something inside me changed, I didn't want to admit it to myself, but it sure did show. That's when Clare herself started to change, and there were the signs, but I missed them, thought they were nothing, but now, she's gone. But only because of me. I got clingy, pulled her in only to make her push away. And here we are now. The love of my life, dead and now in peace-because she's away from me- and me, lost and alone.

Every morning, 5 days a week, I had to get up, get ready, and go to school. That, for me, was hell. The worse part was going to my locker to _not_ see her getting items out from her own, to go to English and seeing Mrs. Dawes trying to hold herself together. She would get upset at times. But the worse of it all was not being able to turn around and see her sitting there either biting her pen or lip in frustration, seeing her smile as she wrote or edited my paper, all I see now is the desk of Clare Edwards, empty.

When Clare started changing, her grades fell, from all A's to C's and D's. That was so unlike her, she never had anything below a B-. We both were falling behind. We just didn't care anymore. Clare started changing her appearance too, from skirts and flowery tops to blue jeans and casual T-shirts. She started acting different, she asked for room, and I tried giving it too her, but when she saw the gun, she pulled me right back in again, that only made things worse. Before, all Clare wanted to do was hang out after school and on weekends. We had movie nights every other Friday, but we canceled, and just stopped. _All_ the signs were there, I saw them, I read them, but I never did what they were told.

I'm sure Clare's parents are just as sad as mine. But I, I'm just flat out indescribable. I can't go a day; scratch that, an hour, maybe even less without thinking about her. But when I do think of her I cry, I cry like the little, vulnerable baby I am and always will be. When I have these so called 'flashbacks' of us at a happier time, I freeze up. I can't move. Can't breathe. I can't do anything but accept the aching pain that comes within my chest-my heart, and wait for reality to come back again.

***okayy... soooo, what-cha think? Depressing? Hmm lol. *sniffle* ANYWAYYYS I really, really liked how this turned out. Did you? I sure hope you did, I want this chapter to be perfect, I've worked all day and night the past week editing it, with NO help cause I'm the bomb like tick tock aha anyways Tell me what you thought in reviews please :3* **


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2- I miss everything about you_

***well, I hoped you liked the last chapter cause I worked really, really hard on it. Well not much to say here but, here's chapter 2 read and review :3***

**I don't own Degrassi, but I do own a crappy laptop that is as old as dinosaurs XD**

I woke up with the sun shining through the blinds. The sun may be shining outside, but on the inside, for me, it's pouring down raining, thunder and lightning non stop. that's how I'm feeling on the inside.

I walked very slowly over to my window stepping on piles of cloths and other unnecessary items that I just cant seem to throw away, and pulled my thick, black curtains shut. My room was dark again except the little light that very faintly went through the curtains. I walked back to my bed and crawled in putting my covers over my head trying to relax. Since Clare's death, I've been tense, tired, miserable. Just the thought of her killed me inside because I can never see her again.

I heard a faint knock on my door, then in opened creating more light in my room. It was my mom. As much as I wanted to be alone, I was glad to see her because I probably wont see her for the rest of the week, I wont be leaving this room for awhile. "hey, baby boy" she whispered sitting down next to me. She started patting my head, smoothing back the hairs sticking up. "I brought you some water" she held out the glass towards me. I took it and took a sip, the cold water felt good going down my extremely dry throat. I gave it back to her, she sat in on my computer desk a few feet away from my bed, considering I don't have a night table. "it'll be okay," she whispered kissing my forehead "I love you" and with that she walked out of my room. I didn't talk to her, I wanted to, but I had nothing to say and if I did say something I would most likely burst out it tears.

I fell back to sleep, but only for what seemed like 10 minutes but it probably was a half hour. My mouth felt like cotton and I remembered the glass of water my mom brought it. I got up and walked over my computer desk. Before I grabbed to glass of water my legs got weak, I pushed my back against the wall trying not to brace myself so I wouldn't fall. with the water still sitting there and my back against the wall, I slid down it forgetting my cotton mouth and urge for a drink. I sighed and closed my eyes. With my eyes closed, a image of Clare sped in front of my eyes before I opened them. I tried not to cry, I tried so hard, but with the lip quivering and eyes tearing up, I had no chance. I was crying, tears running down my face, my lips were wet from the tears and felt huge with them parted.

I had been crying for what felt like hours before I finally calmed down. I was now sitting there, hugging my knees, head resting on top of my knees, face wet and hot from all the crying and tears. I felt helpless. I was trying not to think of Clare, and so far it's been working.

You know that feeling you get when someone is looking at you? Well, for some reason I had that feeling, I don't know why or how because if someone came in my room you could hear the loud _click _of my door being opened or closed. I didn't want to look up because nobody would be there, but quite frankly I was just to lazy to. But I did anyways. I slowly looked up and saw a flash of something white just there in a big blob, well that's what it looked like because before I had the chance to adjust my eyes to whatever it was I put my head back down. And just as quickly as I put my head down, I looked up again to see a face, I think. My eyes soon adjusted to it, but it was still a blob. The image started to clear I saw short hair. It _was_ a face. Soon all I saw was the hair, it was short, curly… just like… Clare's. so many thoughts were running through my mind right now, I didn't know what to think. Then the face started clearing. My eyes got wide, tears swelling up my eyes blurring my vision a little bit. "Clare?" I whispered to myself. Her lips were moving but nothing came out, but as soon as she stopped moving her lips, words came out "what?," I heard in her voice. her lips moved again, nothing, then "how?"

I tucked my head back in between my knees, crying. I was crying so hard, literally chocking on sobs. I cant believe what I just saw. I just saw Clare! How! There is no way that could happen. No way. Maybe I'm hallucinating? Maybe I'm going crazy? that's probably it. I'm going crazy. I miss Clare so much I'm going crazy; I can see her.

***I know it's a little short, I'm sorry, I tried to think of more I could put in here but…yeah… :3 **

**So yeah, read and review please***


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 3- I'm falling to pieces_

***here's chapter 3! Hope you guys like it so far. Not much more to say here, just read and Review please :3***

**I sadly don't own Degrassi, but I do own a nose 'stud' lol… yes I have my nose pierced, because I'm badass like that XD(don't ask, I didn't know what else to put :3) lol (if it is in **_**italics,**_** it's Eli's dream… oooooooooh XD)**__

I hadn't slept all night, I was to scared to sleep, to see her face again cause if I did, I would lose it. I looked at the clock that was sitting on my computer desk, the bright purplish-blue LED lights almost blinding me. It took me a second to adjust my eyes to read the time. I watched the time change from 9:59 to 10:00 in the morning. I got up from the floor where I had been sitting all night. I went over to my curtains and pushed it aside so I could look outside. It was cloudy outside. There was not a piece of blue sky you could see, just one big cloud keeping the town at a peaceful state, like nothing was wrong, but so much was.

I was so tired and I thought I could actually go to sleep now. I walked to my computer desk, took a slow, small sip of my now slightly warm and settled water. I sat the glass down and slid back down to the floor, to lazy to go back to my bed. I tossed my head back resting on the wall. I started drifting off to sleep. I was in a light sleep, I knew this because I heard three faint knocks on the door, I knew it was my mom so I didn't say anything. I heard the loud _click _of my door being opened. "Eli?" said a voice. What? "get up" That was _not _my moms voice. It was slightly… female, but… Adam…

***one hour later***

"just go away…" I groaned in annoyance. Adam has been trying to get me up for the past hour, but I refuse. "No, Eli, I won't go. You need to get out of your room and do something for once" now Adam was getting annoyed, when Adam gets annoyed or frustrated he just gives up. It's a Torres trait, it's in there blood. So maybe he'll go away. "No, Adam. I can't and I won't. Just go home and leave me alone!" he is really pissing me off now. I would kick him out but I'm to weak to, and my parents wont touch him, plus they'll agree with him and force me out. "Eli, come on! It's been over a month! Clare is not coming back! Get yourself back together!" Adam shouted to me. He's not giving up, I mind as well surrender or he'll be here all night and I wont get any sleep until tomorrow morning.

I rolled my eyes while getting up. I managed to walk to the other side of my room to get cloths for a shower. I walked across the hall to the bathroom. I started the shower using only hot water and a little bit of cold to make it bearable. I slowly took off my cloths that I've been wearing for the past week and stepped into the blazing hot shower hissing as the water hit my arms and back, yelping at the stinging pain on my skin. It didn't take long for the water to sting it's way to turning my body to a light shade of red.

I got the bottle of liquid body wash squeezing it into the unused rag that was hanging on the shower head. I pressed the rag on my arms, the cold liquid soap cooling my arm. I got done washing my body and found the shampoo bottle squeezing the cool liquid into my hand and pressing it to my greasy, shaggy, nasty feeling hair. I massaged my scalp with my fingers, the soap getting thicker and thicker as I keep washing. I tilted my head back as the scolding hot water rinsed out the bubbles.

I turned off the water and stepped out onto the rug that sits outside of the bathtub. I gabbed a towel from underneath the sink and dried the water off. I put on a plain black shirt and put on black skinny jeans. I ran my finders through my hair fixing it the way I always have it. I used my hand to wipe off the water droplets that collected to the mirror from the steam. I looked at my arms and other places of my body where skin was showing, and just as I thought, it was a light red.

I grabbed the door knob, twisted it walking back in the hallway. I went into my room to see Adam sitting on my bed. He didn't say anything as he left my room and walked out the front door. We decided to walk, well Adam decided on the fact that he started walking on the sidewalk. We walked about 5 blocks, we were going to The Dot. I walked up the small steps of three and opened the door to The Dot, the _ding dong_ of the chimes indicting someone came in.

I walked to the far back corner of The Dot where no one was near. I sat down in the booth waiting for Adam to sit and start talking, but he never did. A few seconds later I got cold chills, but it wasn't even cold in The Dot, I just ignored the sudden sensation. "Adam," I started "I just don't know what to do, I can't get over her you know? She was so close to me. I just… I just…cant" I started crying again. I didn't care if people saw me, they know what's wrong, well the people from school that are here know. "it's okay Eli, we'll get through this, all of us will, one step at a time" he said trying to comfort me. This was true, but was it true for me? Will I ever get over her?

We talked for a long time, about the memories of us all together. We talked about when we made that party at that abandoned church. When he told us that he was a FTM transgender. The good times we all had. Talking made it easier, to know that we- I mean I, wasn't 'pushing her buttons'. To know we had so much more than a relationship.

I glanced past Adams shoulders to see most of the booths unoccupied. I looked out the window. The sun was setting making the sky look pink, purple, and orange. One of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen. The best was when Clare and I would sit atop Morty and watch it. She looked like a goddess in the sunsets light. I smiled to myself at this memory. "what are you smiling at?" Adam said pulling me from my daze. Adam looked behind him to see what it was. "nothing" I say "just remembering a memory" I finish, calmly. Adam mouthed an "oh"

"well, I had fun and all," Adam started "but I got to go… are you going to be okay, Eli?" he said concernedly. "yeah… yeah, sure, I'll be fine… I'm going to leave in a little bit" I said reassuring him I'll be okay. "okay… bye, Eli" and with that he walked away. I heard the _ding dong _of the door being opened and closed again.

I sat there, still smiling to myself, about the memory. I can see us now, holding hands while sitting on Morty, watching the sunset. I remember this like it was yesterday.

When I got over my daze I decided to go home. I was extremely tired, it's times like this where you wish you drove to a place or had you cell phone with you. I sighed and got up leaving The Dot and walking the 5 blocks back to my house.

I walked into my house to see my mom and dad watching TV. "hey baby boy, you were out awhile. You okay?" my mom asks with concern in her voice. "yeah, I'm fine," I paused "actually, I feel much better than I have since, you know" I said, referring to the day when I found out that Clare was dead, but she knew that of course. "that's good" Bullfrog in his groggy voice. I smiled at them then walked the flight of steps to my room. I am really glad that Adam came over, he made me realize that we had good memories, yes, we've had some bad ones to, but to think about the good times we all had together made me happy. To know that I'm not alone in this. If it weren't for Adam, I'd still be in my room, either sleeping or crying my eyes out.

When I got to my room I plopped down on my bed pulling to covers over my head, to the way I've been sleeping and learned how to sleep. I keep my eyes open thinking tonight I might actually get a good sleep, all thanks to Adam. And I soon fell into a deep sleep.

_I was sitting at our bench waiting for Clare to arrive for our date. I am so excited about this date, Clare and I hadn't hung out far a few weeks due to mid-terms. I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. I took it out and smiled as the picture of Clare and I blinked and her name was at the bottom of the screen. "hey, beautiful" I say with a smirk planted on my face. "hey" she giggled "what's up?" I ask, she should be here by now maybe she's calling to say she might be late "hey, I might be a little late, I need to pick something up for my mom, do you care?" she asked in her cute innocent voice "of course not, just meet me at the bench when you get done" I say reassuring her it's okay. "okay, see you soon, by Eli" I smile "bye" I hang up my phone and wait patiently for her to arrive._

_About fifteen minutes later Clare was in eyeshot. I saw her from across the street and down a block or two. I just sat there smirking at her. _

_Every step she took seemed to go in slow motion, yet she was on the other side of the street waiting for the traffic to slow down for her to cross. I was still smirking. _

_The cars soon stopped and she started walking across the street, this time every step she took was in slow motion and she was going slow. I avert my gaze down the street, my smirk disappearing. I saw a car, going at least 100 MPH down the road Clare was walking. I stood up, but my feet were planted to the ground. "CLARE! RUN! HURRY!" I scream. She was still walking slow, she was still smiling at me the car was coming closer and closer "CLARE PLEASE RUN! A CAR IS COMING! CLARE!" I screamed even louder if it were possible. I tried moving my feet but I couldn't, it felt like my feel were glued to the ground. The car was going so fast, it was so close. I heard it trying to stop, the tires screeching. Clare doesn't see the car. "CLARE RUN!" I yell once again. The car is sliding on the ground, screeching it's way to Clare "NOOO"_

"NOOOOO!" I sat up as quick as I could, I heard my bedroom door burst open. "CLARE! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO! CLARE! CLARE! CLAAAARE!" I scream, kicking my legs and pumping my arms. "ELI! Eli, calm down, it was a dream, Eli, shhh shhh." I heard a calming voice. I finally opened my eyes to see my mom sitting on the bed next to me. Stroking my hair back "mom, Clare" I breathed. I started crying uncontrollably. "Eli, shhh shhh, it's okay, it was a dream" my mom wraps me in her arms rocking me back and forth. "but" gasp "she's" gasp "still" gasp "dead" I tried to talk like a normal person but the crying doesn't help. "I know Eli, just go back to sleep, we can talk about this tomorrow if you want" she says kissing my forehead, she looks at the clock 3:00am "well we can talk about it later" she tries the lighten the mood.

We sat there awhile. Me in my mothers arms, being rocked back and fourth. I found this very comforting. I soon calmed down I separated myself from my mom I looked at her shirt "I'm sorry" I said while wiping my face. "about what?" she asked "your shirt" I said wiping my eyes with my shirt "oh honey," she wraps me in her arms again, laughing s little "it's fine" she says rubbing the back of my head. I glanced at the clock, 3:45 "I'm sorry for keeping you up, and crying like a little baby" I say laughing at myself, wanting to throw myself in her arms again. "oh, honey, no, it's fine, really, don't worry about it." she says, once more putting me in her arms "well talk about this in the morning, now go to sleep" she says, like she did a hour ago. I finally let her go.

I don't know if I can sleep for the rest of the night, but I will try to, and maybe I wont dream. that's all I ask for, to not dream.

***few! This is LOONG! But I like it, I love this chapter it is so far my favorite and I had a lot of fun writing it, I hoped you like it as much as I wrote it :3 anyways please review, it'll make my day :3***


	4. AN

**A/N**

**Hey guys. I know your prob really mad about my super long lack of updating and I'm extremely sorry! The laptop I was using to pubish stories was working just fine then one day just stopped letting me do anything on fan fiction, I have another laptop but I don't technically own it, well, my cousin left here when she came to visit and I don't want to use it cause I don't want her to find it and yeah. **

**Anyways I got 2 options that im going to let you, yes YOU, choose**

**1) If you want me to continue just review and say you want me to continue, but it will probably be a long time before I do update… so yeah2) if you don't really care, or don't think the story is good just review and say delete it. **

**I hope you guys understand. I'm trying to get my parents to buy me a new laptop, or ill have to earn the money myself, I just hope they are nice and get me a new one… heehee… anyways, don't forget to review and tell me to keep it or delete it.**


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